I am tasty AND a genius.

Yesterday, we spent the greater part of the morning loading all of my classroom materials into Andy's truck and unloading them into our new climate-controlled storage unit. I found out that I will not have a classroom at my new school, I'll be floating. That means I have nowhere for my 6 bookcases and 500+ books. I am absolutely convinced that if I leave the books in the storage shed in our backyard that they WILL (not might, but will) grow some rare type of toxic mold that would require tenting our entire house and setting off cannister fumigators. God forbid I take them to school before I realized the mold growth. Then we'd have to tent the whole school. Point of this imaginative walk down Devastation Lane? I'm not sure. Apparently rambling aimlessly is catching: thanks Scott. So, I'm storing the books and all my other classroom crap because I don't know what I'm going to have room for. I get a desk, computer and phone in another teacher's room to call my own until Christmas break. Then she's getting booted out of her room for rennovations so we'll both be homeless. I don't know if that means I'll get a room in Jan. but I'll have to share it with her or what. That would be fine by me. At least then I could start moving in some of my things. Anyway, back to my original posting idea...

While moving all the boxes yesterday, I discovered that I am delicious. Specifically, I am delicious to the brand of mosquito here in the Sunshine State. The current count of bites on my person is 27. I'm not laughing. The weird thing? 13 of the 27 bites are on my right thigh. I don't know if several of the darn things got caught in my shorts or what, but 13! On my right thigh only! Holy Benadryl stick, Batman!

Emma was a lot of fun while we were "storing" yesterday. And I mean that literally, she was fun. She helped us with the flat cart. She held open doors, she worked the elevator (pronounced, "alligator" in E language), she held the keys for the padlock. She was awesome. Apparently she used up all the goodwill she possessed while at the storage facility because last night around 6:15 she became about as fun as a 45 year old alcoholic on his 3rd day at rehab. In trying to talk her down from throwing the remote at Max and litter the living room with socks, I decided to discuss her finer points. Give her a compliment. No dice. So, it was bathtime. Baths seem to be the magic elixir for bratty Emmas these days. They are starting earlier and lasting longer than ever. As I've said before, baths don't bother me because at least she confined in a small area and content to stay there for more than 10 minutes. Her parting words to us last night before we threw her in the bathtub to calm her down were, "No, I NOT gorgeous, Mama. You a GENIUS!" Then she crossed her little arms and sat down in the bathtub with a mighty "schlump" like she had just called me a bitch. It was difficult not to laugh when the water sloshed up into her face making her squinch her eyes up and gasp. Exactly. She was pleasant by the time her hair was all wet. I AM a genius.

birthdays, runny noses, the 5th circle of hell

i am tired and capitalizing seems like too much work. i had my 30th birthday and survived. i was in district orientation meetings all day long so it was uneventful. we watched so many 1989 safety videos i felt out of place with no bangs. at the end of the day, i arrived home quasi-cataonic to a rousing "happy birfday, mama!" from E. she promptly told me exactly what was in the wrapped box on the table and asked if she could have a brownie out of the batch that had been baked for me. ultimately, i'm 30 and not depressed about it like i thought i might be. the night of my bday, i had a sore throat which i tried to rationalize away. i awoke friday morning with both nostrils clogged and a head that felt 20 lbs. heavy. i finally feel normal today although i've retained quite the cough. the worst part was that my nose ran so badly that at one point it seemed the better alternative to leave a kleenex hanging out of my right nostril than to blow my nose one more time and cause my head to implode from the pressure. andy gave me the cold so this proves my point that ultimately, everything is his fault.

we had a new teacher luncheon yesterday. because all the other english teachers hired this year are newbies right out of college, everyone keeps treating me like i've never taught before either. when i told one of the current teachers i had taught for seven years, she had this to say, "but you're so young! did you graduate early or something?" patronizing cow.

do you know who inhabits the 5th circle of hell? lawyers (except Jimmy, of course), child molesters and insurance companies. insurance companies and the office workers in doctors' offices are the devil's demons embodied. apparently our health is of little consequence to anyone, it's just whether or not we can pay. so i could be dying or Emma could be hemorrahging but they need to see my insurance card first. and God help you if you're waiting on your new cards because then you're just a liar - of course you don't have insurance. you're carrying a fraudulent card. what follows is the conversation i had with a doctor's office worker yesterday.
OW: Ms. Mauk we called to check on your insurance before your appointment and they told us your policy is no longer active.
me: We've elected to pay COBRA for coverage so you'll have to call a different number.
OW: Yes, I called and they said the policy lapsed as of July 1 when "Andrew?" quit his job.
me: He did quit work on July 1 but we picked up the COBRA coverage after he quit and they told us to use the same cards. They are faxing you a letter of proof of coverage today or tomorrow.
OW: We'll need to reschedule your appointment since you don't have insurance until you can prove you're insured.
me: We ARE insured. You can call-
OW: I have already called the 1-800 number.
me: The number you have to call for the COBRA plan is an 877 number. I'll be happy to give it to you so you can verify.
OW: Yes ma'am but when I called, they said the policy was no longer valid as of July 1.
me: Let me help. I will call them straighten this out and then have them call you. Let me give you my credit card number to cover my appointment until you get the fax from the insurance company.
OW: Oh, no ma'am. We can't take your credit card unless you're already an established patient. I'll have to reschedule your appointment until you have proof of insurance.
And on and on and on it went. I'm not even sure she was listening to herself because she clearly wasn't listening to me. They received the fax while I was in the office for the appointment. Of course they did.

Seriously?

While perusing the shelves of a local toy store here in Tallahassee, I saw something I never thought I would see. A Jesus action figure. You heard me. I even took a picture of it.


It's difficult to see inside the box except to tell that it is a man in robes and the giant caraffe on the right. You might be able to make out the lettering on the box: "Deluxe Miracle Jesus" it says. Also, the exclamation sticker says, "Glow In the Dark Hands!" If you could see the entire box, you would see that on either side of the box are "accessories". On the left you have loaves and fishes. On the right there's water and wine. I was surprised he didn't come with his own cross but Andy pointed out that you probably only get the cross with the Platinum Edition Crucifixion Jesus.

I mean, is this weird or is it just me?


I don't mean to sound sacriligious. Many of you know that Andy and I both have strong faith and as Emma has begun reminding us (as well as strangers at restaraunts) that we need to pray before meals, it looks like some of our teaching is paying off. I'm just not sure that marketing our Savior as a play toy that will end up in the bottom of a toy chest is quite the right take on it either. I mean, I suppose if anyone should be an action figure, perhaps it should be Jesus but it just seems odd to me. I guess it's not that different than having a Virgin Mary statue on your dashboard (which again seems odd to me, but those Catholics have always been nutters). To each his own. And if each of you want your own Jesus, let me know and I'll head down to the mall to purchase you your very own minature deity.

Quote of the Day

I am in favor of stern discipline. I'll provide the discipline, you'll provide the stern.

Oy!

I have inadvertently discovered something in the middle of the night: I am allergic to cardboard. The allergy part is obvious. There was the usual sneezing, watery eyes, excessive (and I mean excessive) running of the nose along with wheezing. Now, why (I hear you ask), did I disover this fact in the middle of the night? The answer to this question requires a two-pronged response. (1) our daughter was up for 2 hours from 2:30-4:30 (YES, A.M.) in the morning. I do not know what is causing this night-waking. Perhaps it's the impending 10 day vacation at the grandparents. One can just see the wheels turning in her angelic little head imagining all the things she'll get to do while at Grandma & Grandpa's or Mimi & Papa's that she is normally prohibited from doing. Or perhaps it has something to do with being newly potty-trained as Andy and I both have heard the words "pee-pee" and "poop" coming from her room in the middle of the night as part of her evening, in-sleep monologue. Either way, Emma was up for 2 hours so we were all up for 2 hours - including the cats who thought this the perfect opportunity to practice their circus act on the end of our bed while we were trying to lull said wide-awake 2 year old back to sleep. Reason (2) for my newfound allergy. Our house is now 7/10 cardboard, 2/10 house, 1/10 inhabitants. My child cannot even see me when I am reading her bedtime story because of the boxes piled high in the floor of her room. Moving is ridiculous. Again, I am seriously considering converting to a spartan existence involving burlap sacks and pots and pans for Emma's toys. I think she'll look charming with a bit of twine tied round her waist to keep the burlap sack in place for preschool.

Tag, I'm it...or you're it...or whatever

Okay, I’m an official blogger now because I’ve been "tagged" (Thanks Jess). I'm also borrowing Jess's friend, Jenn's shpiel for this post. Jenn is another friend of Jessica's who blogs because we all MUST STRIVE TO BE JESS on every other Thursday. Here's how this works. I’m supposed to go to imbd.com then click on IMDB TV (for those not so internet-savvy, that stands for Internet Movie Database), look up 10 of my favorite shows, then list 3 of their plot keywords, then you people have to figure out what shows they are. I’m going to put my own twist on this one though… these are not necessarily my FAVORITE shows, but they are the things that I’m DVRing (and trying to watch). It would be too difficult to pick my favorite shows from all time. I've been watching TV a while now and how could you choose between Quantum Leap and the A-Team? Good luck!
1. author/hometown/book
2. medical/interracial romance/seattle washington
3. mystery/forensic/las vegas
4. awkward/employer.employee relationship/mockumentary
5.husband.wife relationship/utah/polygamy
6. irony/science/cane
7.ex cop/pathologist/US navy
8.scientific experiment/beach/fate
9.drama/history/divorce
10.comedian/chat/nonfiction
Happy hunting! If I am a true blogger, I must now tag someone else. I choose....Scott and Jay. Bedtime.

Electronic Nightmare

We have entered Phase 2 of the Mauk Family electronic nightmare. In order to understand the full extent of our exasperation, you will all have to travel back in time with me to pre-Phase and Phase 1 of this electronic adventure.
(insert squiggly lines and dream sequence musak here)
Pre-phase: About 2 weeks ago, we noticed that our DVD player, the one Andy has owned since before we were married, was skipping a lot. At first we attributed this to our 2 year old handling the DVDs herself. However, when the newest movie (Happy Feet, in case you were wondering, which E pronounces "Happy Seet" - we're still working on F's) began to skip and we knew it wasn't scratched, we figured it was our DVD player. We tried multiple disks and they all skipped badly, whether they were scratched or not. So, we bought a new DVD player.
Phase 1: Yesterday evening, after supper we were watching the end of one of E's movies and the stereo system just popped (and I mean popped like we thought we were being shot at) and quit working. I thought Andy was going to cry. He is quite attached to surround-sound.
Phase 2: Tonight, Andy tried to hook the DVD sound up to the TV. He got it all hooked up correctly but when he put in the movie, the feedback on the TV was so irritating you can barely hear the sound on the movie because of the buzzing.
Currently: Andy is on the phone with Sony. They are telling Andy to do all the things he's already tried. He's rolling his eyes and mocking the woman on the phone as she fumbles through the written trouble-shooting instructions. He's mentioning that maybe (can you see the hope and twinkle in his eye?) it's the TV and we need to get a new one. (Matt and Scott, keep your comments to yourselves)
So, if Andy resists the urge to bomb Sony's local headquarters and if nothing else breaks, I think we'll have to figure out which option is the best road to Electronic Equilibrium.

Lie, Cheat and Steal!

OK, so the first two don't count but I'm definitely stealing my friend Jess's idea by creating a blog. I was (am - she' not dead!) so impressed with her blog about her and Ken's adventure in adopting their son, Beckett. She has inspired me to create a blog of my own so that family and friends can keep up with us Mauks during our new adventure! {Sorry, Jess, you were always the one with the great ideas anyway. Remember Memphis?! Or was that my idea? It went - not badly, just not as expected - so it could have been my idea.} But I digress...

In case you haven't already heard, we (Andy, Emma, the cats and I) are on our way to Sunny Florida! Andy has finally taken the leap and is headed back to school (yes, again!) for his PhD. He will be attending Florida State in the fall. As he is the perpetual student, this is the perfect next step in his life/career. I have, however, told him repeatedly and in no uncertain terms that THIS IS IT! No more school for him after this. He can sit in a library cubicle and research until he rots but we're done studying/paying/writing for degrees after this. I will not tolerate a double major or second doctorate.

Even though I am deadly serious about this being Andy's last trip into academia as a student, I am thrilled that he's doing this. He's been talking about it since he finished his Master's and I am so excited to see one of his dreams becoming a reachable goal.

In the coming months we will be selling our house, packing up all our belongings (as well as chucking out some things - boxes of old Sports Illustrateds anyone?), finding a new house, finding me a job (public school vs. private/ testing nightmare vs. snot-nosed elitists - what a choice - sheesh!), and becoming Floridians. Floridians...sounds like an exotic disease doesn't it? "It's a shame, really, to have contracted Floridians during the prime of her life" tsk tsk. To me, Florida just sounds incredibly hot as summer is approaching and we are currently 10+ degrees above normal here in F'ville much less 14+ hours southeast. But, I'm trying to be positive. We will be much closer to one of our favorite places in the world, Destin. We will also be closer to some dear friends, Dave and Emily Ward and their precious girl, Ella. Tallahassee is on the way to multiple gorgeous golfing destinations (Dad, Dennis!) and much closer to that Land of Childhood Glee and Parental Torture otherwise known as the Disney World complex. Whatever happens, we feel like God is leading us to Florida and will protect and provide for us on our way. So, check back in with us here to find out about all the developments in our Great Trek South. Pardon any ramblings or typos as I am continuing to contribute to my already astronomical "sleep debt".

Yes, I realize I have been parenthesis happy (parentheses??) but it's midnight for crying out loud!