birthdays, runny noses, the 5th circle of hell

i am tired and capitalizing seems like too much work. i had my 30th birthday and survived. i was in district orientation meetings all day long so it was uneventful. we watched so many 1989 safety videos i felt out of place with no bangs. at the end of the day, i arrived home quasi-cataonic to a rousing "happy birfday, mama!" from E. she promptly told me exactly what was in the wrapped box on the table and asked if she could have a brownie out of the batch that had been baked for me. ultimately, i'm 30 and not depressed about it like i thought i might be. the night of my bday, i had a sore throat which i tried to rationalize away. i awoke friday morning with both nostrils clogged and a head that felt 20 lbs. heavy. i finally feel normal today although i've retained quite the cough. the worst part was that my nose ran so badly that at one point it seemed the better alternative to leave a kleenex hanging out of my right nostril than to blow my nose one more time and cause my head to implode from the pressure. andy gave me the cold so this proves my point that ultimately, everything is his fault.

we had a new teacher luncheon yesterday. because all the other english teachers hired this year are newbies right out of college, everyone keeps treating me like i've never taught before either. when i told one of the current teachers i had taught for seven years, she had this to say, "but you're so young! did you graduate early or something?" patronizing cow.

do you know who inhabits the 5th circle of hell? lawyers (except Jimmy, of course), child molesters and insurance companies. insurance companies and the office workers in doctors' offices are the devil's demons embodied. apparently our health is of little consequence to anyone, it's just whether or not we can pay. so i could be dying or Emma could be hemorrahging but they need to see my insurance card first. and God help you if you're waiting on your new cards because then you're just a liar - of course you don't have insurance. you're carrying a fraudulent card. what follows is the conversation i had with a doctor's office worker yesterday.
OW: Ms. Mauk we called to check on your insurance before your appointment and they told us your policy is no longer active.
me: We've elected to pay COBRA for coverage so you'll have to call a different number.
OW: Yes, I called and they said the policy lapsed as of July 1 when "Andrew?" quit his job.
me: He did quit work on July 1 but we picked up the COBRA coverage after he quit and they told us to use the same cards. They are faxing you a letter of proof of coverage today or tomorrow.
OW: We'll need to reschedule your appointment since you don't have insurance until you can prove you're insured.
me: We ARE insured. You can call-
OW: I have already called the 1-800 number.
me: The number you have to call for the COBRA plan is an 877 number. I'll be happy to give it to you so you can verify.
OW: Yes ma'am but when I called, they said the policy was no longer valid as of July 1.
me: Let me help. I will call them straighten this out and then have them call you. Let me give you my credit card number to cover my appointment until you get the fax from the insurance company.
OW: Oh, no ma'am. We can't take your credit card unless you're already an established patient. I'll have to reschedule your appointment until you have proof of insurance.
And on and on and on it went. I'm not even sure she was listening to herself because she clearly wasn't listening to me. They received the fax while I was in the office for the appointment. Of course they did.