Guilt...again.

I consistently feel guilty about the time I spend (or don't spend) with my children. Either I've left them at daycare (Jackson) too long, I'm doing meaningless tasks (cleaning the house) instead of playing with them, or I'm disciplining them (timeouts, scolding/yelling, locking myself in the bathroom so I don't say something truly mean) WHILE we're playing. I have yet to discover what the right balance is of firm and parental combined with easy-going and playful.

I also can't get a grip on how much I should play with them. I mean, isn't learning to play by oneself a skill they need, too? I feel like Andy and I never get time to ourselves when the children are awake without paying for it in some way. Either we literally PAY a babysitter or I "pay" by giving up time so he can do something on his own or he "pays" by giving up his time so I can do something alone. And don't even get me started on what happens when we do pay a babysitter and actually go out only to have one or the other child wake up at dawn when we've stayed out later than usual. Then the inevitable game of Rock-Paper-Scissors ensues to determine who has to rouse themselves at the wee hours to supervise. And then more guilt because it usually ends up being Andy. He lets me sleep in but it's hard to enjoy it afterward because I feel guilty that he got up and I didn't.

I realize that this is a problem most parents face when raising children but I'm not sure that everyone has the guilt that I seem to experience related to these issues. I feel guilty because I have to work and can't be a stay-at-home mom even though I'm pretty confident I'm not cut out for that particular job. I feel guilty when I stay at work to take care of those responsibilities instead of going home with my kids. I feel guilty because I don't WANT to play with my kids all the time. I feel guilty when I want to play with my kids but CAN'T because things like laundry, grocery shopping, and keeping the floor clear of any and all toys that could cause a debilitating or fatal injury just aren't going to magically happen themselves. I feel guilty when I DO play with my kids and then we haven't practiced reading or math skills or that load of laundry didn't get folded.

I have issues. I realize Jackson's three and still needs a lot of one-on-one attention. I realize we don't live near our parents and that would ease some of the burden of Andy and I having to do EVERYTHING for the kids ALL THE TIME. I realize I probably have an heightened sense of guilt PERIOD. I just would like to think that at some point in my life as a parent either the guilt will lessen (I'm aware that it will never go away completely) or that when they're older, it will get easier. I want to enjoy my kids. I want to enjoy my husband. And, at some point, I would like to enjoy being by myself again without having to lock myself in the bathroom.

Thus endeth the whining. Thanks to anyone who didn't quit reading this after the first paragraph.

Oh yeah.

Multicultural Much?

Conversation at dinner:
E: Yay! We're having pizza!
*eating noises*
E: Mama, do you like pizza?
Me: Yes.
E: Me too. Did you know that if you like pizza that means you like Italian food?
Me: That's right, Emma. Pizza is Italian food. Where did you hear that?
E: Ishrit told me.
*silence*
Me: Of course he did.

The irony: Ishrit is Indian - he is a first generation American. His parents emigrated here from India 8 years ago. Emma and Ishrit are partners on their "research" project on the Diwali celebration in India. But apparently he's an expert on ethnic cuisine. Perfect.

Online Shopping - The Conundrum

I hate to shop for clothes. An entire day of my Week in hell will be devoted to shopping for clothes. Being a weight fluctuator for most of my life, clothes shopping is akin to a modern-day version of old-school Chinese Water Torture. The itch to buy the clothes is there - constantly gnawing at me but the energy and know-how needed for me to feel confident in the decision I make when I clothes-shop seems impossible to come by. Losing weight provides the motivation to update my wardrobe but I feel lost once I get into the store. Online shopping seems like the answer but am I just creating more work for myself if what I purchase doesn't fit or doesn't look the way I thought it would based on the website photos? Now I have to return it (cost to me) or take it back to the store which begs the question, "Why didn't I just go to the store in the first place?!" I have 2 small kids so those of you out there that also have small kids know that taking children with you when you try to shop for yourself is like trying to get cats to come when you call them. It seems like a possibility at the time and then, when in the actual throes of shopping, you realize it would have been worth it to just hire the babysitter (or go pick up the stupid cat) in the first place. So, online shopping - good or evil? It remains to be seen.

Yes - we are those parents.

I'm thinking...radio DJ? Just pretend the corn dog is a microphone. Go with me, here.
I'm pretty sure there's a La-Z-Boy or a sectional sofa in his future. Notice the belly. Classic.

The silence and then subsequent adult conversation Andy and I had because of these tiny little electronic devices was so, so sweet. In addition, no one looked at us like we were raising chimpanzees instead of children and I actually got to eat without having to clean up any of the following: a pile of salt, a ketchup finger-painting, abstract art consisting of cardboard coasters and sugar packets.

New Year's Resolutions

Lately I have been feeling more-than-the-usual amount of self-inflicted inferiority. My husband and his friends, as well as many of my friends, seem so much more INFORMED than I am. About lots of things. I realize that everyone has his/her strengths when it comes to areas of leisure. I also realize that people choose to spend their free time doing a myriad different activities. I realize, too, that I have not been indoctrinated (read "brainwashed") from the womb with baseball batting averages, NCAA/SEC team win/loss statistics, and memorized ALL Detroit Red Wings' players since Gordie Howe retired. But I am confident I am not a moron. I like sports and I would like to be able to speak more authoritatively about those that are my favorites (and Andy's favorites). I would like to know what is going on in current events and politics and not get my information second-hand from friends and family or, worse, Facebook. So one of my resolutions has been to stay more in-touch with the goings-on in the worlds of the sports I love and the world in general.

On a tangentially related topic, I would also like to stay more in touch with the people who are important to me. My other resolution is to keep up with family and friends' birthdays and special occasions. If they are special to me, I should prove it with my actions as well as my words.

Notice that neither of my resolutions, either in their generality or in their specificity, have anything to do with losing weight or spending more time at the gym. I don't know if that's because I feel like I'm doing well with that or if I'm working on the assumption that I will do better if I pretend like my physicality doesn't matter. As if perhaps the pressure I put on myself about food and physicality, if not applied, will result in some magical stick-to-it-iveness that isn't normally there. Reverse psychology towards weight loss?

They're basically just variations on a giant resolution to be more "aware" on a daily basis. Whatever the reasons - those are my resolutions.