I consistently feel guilty about the time I spend (or don't spend) with my children. Either I've left them at daycare (Jackson) too long, I'm doing meaningless tasks (cleaning the house) instead of playing with them, or I'm disciplining them (timeouts, scolding/yelling, locking myself in the bathroom so I don't say something truly mean) WHILE we're playing. I have yet to discover what the right balance is of firm and parental combined with easy-going and playful.
I also can't get a grip on how much I should play with them. I mean, isn't learning to play by oneself a skill they need, too? I feel like Andy and I never get time to ourselves when the children are awake without paying for it in some way. Either we literally PAY a babysitter or I "pay" by giving up time so he can do something on his own or he "pays" by giving up his time so I can do something alone. And don't even get me started on what happens when we do pay a babysitter and actually go out only to have one or the other child wake up at dawn when we've stayed out later than usual. Then the inevitable game of Rock-Paper-Scissors ensues to determine who has to rouse themselves at the wee hours to supervise. And then more guilt because it usually ends up being Andy. He lets me sleep in but it's hard to enjoy it afterward because I feel guilty that he got up and I didn't.
I realize that this is a problem most parents face when raising children but I'm not sure that everyone has the guilt that I seem to experience related to these issues. I feel guilty because I have to work and can't be a stay-at-home mom even though I'm pretty confident I'm not cut out for that particular job. I feel guilty when I stay at work to take care of those responsibilities instead of going home with my kids. I feel guilty because I don't WANT to play with my kids all the time. I feel guilty when I want to play with my kids but CAN'T because things like laundry, grocery shopping, and keeping the floor clear of any and all toys that could cause a debilitating or fatal injury just aren't going to magically happen themselves. I feel guilty when I DO play with my kids and then we haven't practiced reading or math skills or that load of laundry didn't get folded.
I have issues. I realize Jackson's three and still needs a lot of one-on-one attention. I realize we don't live near our parents and that would ease some of the burden of Andy and I having to do EVERYTHING for the kids ALL THE TIME. I realize I probably have an heightened sense of guilt PERIOD. I just would like to think that at some point in my life as a parent either the guilt will lessen (I'm aware that it will never go away completely) or that when they're older, it will get easier. I want to enjoy my kids. I want to enjoy my husband. And, at some point, I would like to enjoy being by myself again without having to lock myself in the bathroom.
Thus endeth the whining. Thanks to anyone who didn't quit reading this after the first paragraph.
3 comments:
Sometimes I'm amazed at how parallel our lives seem to be. I could've written this myself - though probably not as well. Guilt is the plight of most moms. The good news is that your kids are awesome. They are going to be just fine. They aren't going to hate you any more than any other kids hate their parents for irrational reasons. And - when they are parents, they will have the same guilt and you will understand exactly where they are coming from. (Will you copy and paste all of this into my comments section when I write my guilt post someday?)
Oh, Reagan! You are so right on at describing the feelings of all of us moms. I constantly feel plagued with guilt! .....
But know that you are on my list of "best moms"! Glad there are people like you who can share both trials and triumphs of motherhood!
Guilt is a negative energy and separates us from the Love of God. We all experience it, but pray to
God to be joyful in all things. Ask God to use your joyfulness as His witness. Watch the changes. It is awesome what God does in our lives. And you are an awesome mother, wife, daughter, daughter-in-law, teacher and woman. SO THERE, young lady. We all love you.
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